Becoming a minimalist, then dating…
I recently joined an online dating site. This isn’t the first time, but it’s definitely one of the longest periods of keeping a profile and messaging people. The results have been surprising, and a couple of conversations may turn into more.
But my mind toils over my values. Something about joining a site and attempting to meet new people pushes me to buy new clothes, furniture, and conform to the idealistic picture of success. I switch to a basic consumer, and it goes against everything I’ve tried to accomplish with this website.
Joining the frugal frontier has led me to sell the extraneous and embrace minimalism (e.g., I’m actively trying to sell my remaining books, as I’ve switched to ebooks). Amidst this lifestyle shift, the cost of dating seems to be measured in more than a meal.
There’s a psychological change — for better and worse — associated with going into “dating mode.” That mode urges me to buy, buy, buy. Like a laser beam surveying my belongings, I scan my apartment for the out-dated and unimpressive.
Out with the old, in with the new?
Dating mode makes me think, “Maybe I should get a nice, full couch?” Yeah, that would really spruce up my apartment. Cost would be no object. I want something that speaks to my unique personality. I don’t want to stoop to some cheap, tattered, beat up couch — that’s not me. Moreover, maybe I should’ve kept my TV — because what would a couch be without one? It’s like I draw from a catalog every time I enter this state.
Dating mode pushes me to upgrade my wardrobe. Most days I think I have the perfect amount of clothes — providing style and warmth, and offering a wealth of options year round. But when I enter this other place, I see the fault in everything. I think, “Look at my pants! I bought these about 5 years ago. Why do I still have them?” In this warped state: “That shirt isn’t crisp enough. It’s gotta go.”
Dating mode suppresses my critical mind. All I can think about is the stink of old versus new. Everything is stale and worn out. As a mere extension of what I own, I feel stale and worn out.
There’s only one solution: own it!
Not only can my budget not withstand wanton purchases, but I left that life — intentionally. It took a significant leap of faith to buck the trend — what we’re told and sold by corporate America. The Ikea catalog and Macy’s mannequin sell a life I’ve always strived for, but it’s artificial and constructed for maximal spend. Unfortunately, I’m conscious that many people subscribe and aspire to this “perfect” home and wardrobe.
Does that minimize my ability to see and date people? Perhaps, but here’s the important part: I’m willing to take the risk that someone doesn’t like me for my aged wardrobe and accoutrements. This is who I am. I am an environmentally conscious minimalist. I’m frugal, clip coupons, and look for the generic brands. I’m interested in saving for a future. I struggle to spend without restrictions, as there’s an entire class of people — globally — that don’t have enough healthy food, water, and basic necessities.
There’s only one solution that fits my new lifestyle: to own who I’ve become. I can’t be ashamed of this life I’ve chosen and the new path I’m taking. I have loved paring down my wardrobe, selling my car, buying a bike, and sharing my story with people. Hopefully, someone will see that passion when the time comes.
You’re smart not to change for anyone. If you bought a bunch of stuff to impress your dates, then would you impress your wife the same? If that’s the case, you could scrap frugality right now.
Will,
Thanks for your comment, man. I appreciate it! Albeit, it’s not like I’m unwilling to change for anyone or anything, but when it comes to minimalism and frugality, these are just too important. Hope that makes sense.
All the best,
Sam
Minimalism is no longer a crazy idea. I bet there are more people out there just like you than you realize. Stick to your guns and stay a minimalist, because once you find someone who likes that about you, you’ll know you’ve found a good match!
Thanks for the encouragement you two! Really nice to see others doing the same thing. Keeps me going. 🙂
I agree with the Cash Cows, don’t pull a bait-and-switch. Think long term!
I definitely agree that you should always be yourself. As others have said, you want someone who likes “you”, not someone you’re pretending to be to impress them. If anything, I would think it should be easier to get to know someone as a minimalist. Minimalism gives you space for more quality interaction.
WIth that said, I’m of the opinion that there’s nothing wrong with having a few really nice belongings. I guess I’m maybe less of a frugal minimalist, but I figure, if I’m only going to own a handful of things. I want them to be of high quality and I want to feel good about them.
What’s the point of spending a lot of money on a shirt when you’ve got so many that it only gets worn once or twice a month? But when you only have 5-6 shirts, it could make sense to spend a little more on something you’ll be wearing regularly.
Don’t compromise your values to increase your prospects in dating, there will be a like minded potential partner out there for you, and both of you will be better off for it in the long term if your values click! Environmentalism, frugality, minimalism, anti-consumption – these all come together. Your future partner may only need one of these qualities to see the logic in your lifestyle 🙂
I am definitely on board with the other comments commending you on being yourself. When it comes to dating, though, there are ways that I think one should be subtle about it. People have stereotypes in their minds and with only one or two dates, you don’t have time to get to know a person. Therefore, all that person has to go on are tidbits like “environmentally conscious minimalist”. Without TRULY understanding what that means, that could turn a person off – even someone who might eventually be on board and be a great match for you.
Thus, my only addition to other people’s statements is, yes, don’t change. But at the same time, you don’t need to reveal everything about you on your first date. I wouldn’t put “minimalist” on your dating profile for instance. If, down the road you find that your ideals are incompatible with the other person’s, then absolutely, you can move on. But, in my opinion, you have to give it a fair chance.
Anyway, good luck!
There truly is someone for everyone. I met my husband at a party. I was there with my boyfriend who I wasn’t really crazy about. As usual, I kicked off my shoes when I got there. My whole life, every chance I got, my shoes came off. So my husband, who was the same way, spots me, steals my shoes, and then in a Prince Charmingly type of way, looks for and magically “finds” them for me, after offering to let me wear his shoes in the meantime. And together, we’ve been barefoot happily ever after. I know there’s a beautiful minimalist out there just waiting for you, Sam. Best wishes!
I’ll echo the other comments here, and your own assertion, that you shouldn’t change who you are in order to attract a date. You’ll find someone who shares your values and who will, I’m sure, be incredibly relieved that you’re on the same page and that they don’t have to bend to consumerism to impress YOU! I think frugality and minimalism tend to manifest in other traits as well–as you’ve mentioned environmental consciousness and an appreciation for simple pleasures in life. Perhaps through your profile you can indicate the related interests that embody your world view (well, you probably already have!). Best of luck to you!
When I started dating “post frugality”, it’s one of the first things I talked about with people. It helped to have the blog, that way you can bring it up when people ask what you do and you can ease your way into your philosophy on money right off the bat.
Definitely own! You want to find someone who shares your values.
Yeah, I’m going to agree with almost everyone and say that if a certain someone judges your eligibility based on the quality of your couch, that person is probably not the best match for the author of frugaling.org. I recommend buying board games instead. Inexpensive and endless fun for best of dates!!
You’d probably recommend Bananagrams, too, wouldn’t you? Thanks for the comment!
Came over to your site from the article posted on RockstarFinance.com and liked it enough to check out some of your other posts.
After checking out a few posts I feel I’m in the same boat you are, just a little behind.
Would love to get an update on your online dating adventure especially with you being open about your choice to live a frugal minimalist lifestyle. Although conventional wisdom would say there probably aren’t many matches out there that would choose the same life, I have a feeling you will find a few gems and that those gems will be pretty awesome.
Anyways, please keep us posted.
Just be yourself and you will feel perfectly good. I’m a minimalist too, even my husband would question me sometimes, but this is me and as long as I know that I’m doing right then I will continue what I’m currently doing.
Better yet, emphasize your minimalism. Find a date who is a bigger minimalist than yourself. What is the worst that can happen? You don’t get a first date or second? Picking your eventual spouse is the biggest financial decision you will make. Do it right from the start.
Thanks for this post! I am also trying to strike a balance between frugality and impressing potential partners. So I mostly just don’t go on dates. Lol Good luck on your journey. 🙂
That can definitely be the end result of being more frugal! Haha. The fact is it is challenging to go on dates (especially under certain male gender norms) and not be expected to always pick up the tab. This certainly makes dating difficult!
My boyfriend doesn’t come to my house much because I don’t have cable. Oh well, guess he isn’t “the one”.
That’s correct.
Well I am very sorry but my experience is negative.
I belonged to a well known free dating site for nearly ten years and could not find a woman remotely interested in my lifestyle.
Every single activity seems to revolve around expensive purchases, whether it be package deal holidays, new kitchens, endless new wardrobes, decking,cars, ad nauseum.
The highlight of their lives is the weekly pilgrimage to some shopping mall and the sunday Pub lunch!
Nah! I’d rather stay single.