Saturday, I spent the night out on the town with two of my good friends. As we hopped around our little college town – from bar to bar – we soaked in this momentary distraction from the stress of graduate school. That night, like many before, we started treating for each others’ drinks. I’d buy a round, then one of my friends would. After each drink, we’d say, “thanks for treating.”
Many times, this pattern starts, and it actually makes the entire time more enjoyable for us all. There’s no pressure to treat, and no set expectation to purchase a certain number of drinks. Instead of buying our own drinks, one by one, we benefit and soak up the joy of reciprocity.
The joy of reciprocity is similar to the Starbucks drive-thru treat effect. Every now and then, you may enter the drive thru and be surprised to find your bill already paid. What’s happened is that the car ahead has treated for the drink, and hopes you’ll treat for the person behind you. In purchasing drinks for the next vehicle, it’s a gift that pays dividends for the future and immediate moment.
Research shows that giving to charities and helping others creates happiness in more ways than self-centered purchases could ever give. By engaging in these moments to treat, which also include a reciprocal component, there’s a shared happiness – the best kind of energy. But it takes a spark: someone needs to treat first.
That first person must pay it forward and treat for others, which takes a risk. The reciprocal, circle-like giving may never be returned; in fact, as I mentioned, that unknown portion creates the fun. If I treat first, my friends may forget or never return the favor, and that’s okay. If the cycle continues, that wonderful energy gets shared, creating a giving environment.
Taking a risk and treating for a round of drinks may not seem frugal. In reality, nearly every time I do this, my friends treat, too. People want to participate and enjoy this process. Many times, I’m not actually paying for more than one round, and the reciprocity continues throughout the night.
There’s an individualism and isolating effect to only paying for your own bill, and this creates a different dynamic. The alternative is not only equally frugal, it pays dividends psychologically. By the end of the night, we are more connected, energetic, and positive than we ever could’ve been by simply treating for our own drinks.
The question that remains is how you can incorporate this joy of reciprocity into your everyday life. What moments can you reach out to help, treat, and/or offer something to others? What times can you do these things, without any expectation for reciprocity – just letting it naturally occur? What holds you back from doing it more often?
Use your free-time/weekends to enjoy those you care about and make room to share. The energy and positivity that this reciprocity contains can help boost your stamina to be frugal. You need that fuel for a frugal week ahead!
I have never been one for buying a round of drinks for everyone- mostly because I can’t afford it. I do, however, buy A drink for a friend. I know that I can cover one or two, but not a whole round.
Stefanie,
Great to hear from you! Thanks for your comment. I completely agree, treating for a large group would be impossible for me, as well. I have one or two close friends that I regularly go it with. Any more, and the equation crumbles. 🙂
-Sam
Same. I went out with a group for yumcha once and one girl ended up covering the whole thing and refusing to accept any money … she made more than all the rest of us, but still.
It’s amazing how little things can really make someone’s day. During the holidays, I noticed the guy behind me had only a couple items for purchase so I offered to let him go ahead of me. He was visibly relieved and grateful; apparently he’d been hopping from cashier to cashier in hopes of a swift transaction. He thanked me about three times. It was a small gesture but it made us both feel good.
Kendal,
What a wonderful story! It’s a great feeling being about to help in these ways,
Really appreciate your comment. 🙂
Sam
We do this on occasion when we go out with friends. It is a good feeling and it usually gets repaid with the same giving. I have also done this at the grocery store, but never get the same back.
Yeah, I definitely think the setting greatly influences this trend; likewise, whether you know the people. 🙂 Either way, as the one giving, it can feel pretty good! Thanks for your comment.
Giving feels awesome!
It does not always feel awesome when there is an obligation to give.
When I was working on getting out of debt, it didn’t feel so great when someone “treated” me, but followed by saying, you can get the next one…when it was a couple treating me, a single person, and next time I am expected to treat them both. Or when I ordered something inexpensive, but needed to treat someone who orders much more costly items. Or when I go out for one drink only, but pay for three or four. Or when people want to split the check evenly, but I am the only person who drank water and refrained from an appetizer. On multiple occasions, my $10.00 bill has become $25, $30, or more. If I protest, then I am the cheap one…which is a moral judgment. It’s very uncomfortable. I don’t want to be the cheap one. But I really wanted to pay off my credit cards.
I’m so glad you have the experience of turn taking as a gesture of goodwill and friendship. I have that experience too. And that kind of reciprocity does feel good. I agree it is helpful to think about creating a giving environment.
I love to give. And receive. But it can be tricky to navigate. Now that I am out of debt, I have the urge to give more. But I am careful to not craft situations that put pressure on my friends who are on tighter budgets. Tonight, I am giving time to some of my married friends by babysitting their two small children while they go out for time alone. They look at houses with me for my potential first home purchase and give me perspective as homeowners. It is frugal, but significant giving. And it does feel good both ways.
Thanks for your post on this topic. It’s so important to remember we can be both frugal and giving.