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The Perfect Job For Me

By Frugaling 13 Comments

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Whale Photo Saying Goodbye

Her office was scattered with boxes, papers, and knickknacks. I’d never seen it this way. Here she was, packing up everything after a three to four-decade career. As she gingerly removed the last remaining photographs from the corkboard, I could see sun-soaked squares – leaving an outline of the past.

With a gigantic smartphone in hand, she pulled me aside to take a selfie. I laughed – not used to this cordiality. I felt the baton passing. Here was this transitional moment between generations. And with a sweet tenderness in her voice, she said goodbye.

Nearly her whole life was spent working in one place. The “best” years of her life were given to the cause of higher education. It had been a sacrifice. She fought with administrators and faculty, but always was an advocate for students. Now, she was leaving.

I knew I’d miss her presence in the halls. Her passion fundamentally pushed me to be a better writer and academic. And frankly, it seemed like she was struggling to say goodbye to all the colleagues, staff members, students, and friends.

All I could think was, “I’d like to have this moment.” I’d love to be at the end of a long career and struggling to leave. I’d love to leave fulfilled.

As a fourth-year doctoral student, I’m not in my career, but I’ve sort of started it. It’s strange. I’m not an undergraduate, but I’m also not a faculty member. I don’t pay tuition (any more), but I’m also not making much. And in this quasi-career state, I can’t help but wonder what motivates someone to put 30 to 40 years into a career – to stay at one employer.

At 26 (almost 27), I wonder how to find flow – that love in a career and life. The recipe is different for everyone, but I think I know what I need. A life with my girlfriend, maintaining friendships, being challenged intellectually at work, getting paid a wage that allows me to live in comfort (everyone’s different, I just want a roof, a few books, and Internet access), and having opportunities to collaborate all come to mind. Likely, I’ll discover more over time.

Becoming more frugal and minimal, I’ve realized how little I need beyond social connection and work satisfaction. I’m not picturing Ferraris and McMansions. Instead, I envision small homes and public transit. I don’t see $300 bottles of red wine at lavish steak restaurants. I think about healthy, tasty meals with those I care about. And these dreams influence what I’ll need and where I’ll want to be.

I want a job where I work hard, but never look at the clock. I want a job where my start time isn’t used as a character judgement, but rather my productivity. I want a job where I can make a difference in people’s lives, but still maintain my own.

I’m nearing the end of graduate school and full of questions. I want to ask people what attracted them to their employer. What made them stay? How did salaries influence their decision to stay at one employer? What made someone struggle to leave after decades of employment?

There’s a secret in those years of service. What’s yours?

Filed Under: Make Money Tagged With: Career, Job, Life, love, restaurants, satisfaction, Work

Relationships And My Leaky Budget: Learning To Fix Myself And Save Money

By Frugaling 5 Comments

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Single, lonely, and spending money

When I was younger, I felt lonely. We’re talking a crushing, oh-shit-the-world-is-empty type. I wouldn’t say I was a deep thinker, but my questions seemed more macro — larger than the everyday.

I use to draw a lot. My art was dark and moody. Often, I seemed to be expressing my disdain for life, and the sadness I felt inside.

I spent money like it was going out of style. I couldn’t resist buying a $1,000+ dollar road bike on a whim, even though I had barely showed any interest in cycling. Oh, and there was that gambling problem, too.

The cash in my wallet was merely an intermediary between work and stores — singlehandedly feeding the consumption our economy supposedly needed. I didn’t save money. It was meant to be spent. I was definitely dissatisfied with life. Another part was fearful of dying too soon. I spent so much money trying to avoid those feelings.

Looking back, I know I made huge spending mistakes. Only now can see how that affected me.

Coupled, insecure, and still spending money

Unfortunately, my spending didn’t resolve itself because I was suddenly in relationships. I thought that would fix everything. When partnered, I felt compelled to impress, treat, give, and spend. I wanted to be easygoing — I tried so hard to be — and spent like it was the end of days.

I couldn’t save money. I was spending whatever I had to make someone else happy. In the process, I only grew more unhappy and indebted to a bank; that affected my girlfriends, too.

Deeply insecure and and spending without pause, my budgets always crumbled. My desire for frugality was bashed in by insecurities and inner loneliness. I cannot tell you how many times I thought, “Am I worth it?” That question always hurt.

Put the oxygen on mask on yourself before helping others
Maybe it’s a trite cliché, but sometimes you have to put the mask on yourself before helping others.

Single and saving money

Back then, I was withering under the pressure. Something shifted in me. Nowadays, things are slightly different; not perfect, but better. I’m able to evaluate situations in fairness and calmly make the next steps for a longer-term future.

I’m single again. Rather than feel lonely, I notice a new security and happiness. I’m surrounded by friends and people I care deeply about, while working tirelessly to help others through my work (counseling).

Every now and then, hunger pains for spending stir in me. I sit before my laptop — a four-year-old Macbook Air — as it whirs away inefficiently and slower than it used to operate. I feel a pull to spend more than I currently have to buy a new laptop. I’ll wait.

I see a wonderful Patagonia shirt, which is accidentally being advertised to me through a YouTube personality. It makes my mind cue up a desire for one of my own. Before I buy that $70+ shirt, I remember what I’m trying to do, and resist the purchase. I’ll wait.

Staying present, focused on my goals

Unlike past years, when I felt isolated and alone, I’m (mostly) secure and hopeful. I’m excited with my days — blown away by the meaning I derive from both my play and work. Somehow the spending is more on my terms.

When I pull out my cash or cards, I know why I’m doing it. I’m not paying off demons inside my head or distracting myself through conspicuous consumption. No, I’m interested in being intentional, thoughtful, accountable to myself and others. When I have a healthy, balanced budget a remarkably simple consequence occurs: I feel positive, too.

That’s what I’m working on.

Filed Under: Save Money Tagged With: Budget, Couples, goals, love, Mindfulness, money, relationships, spending, Travel

Love is a click away, but is it worth paying for online dating?

By Frugaling 4 Comments

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Online dating: From stigma to commonplace

We sat in the high school parking lot, and I laughed every now and then — awkwardly I may add. David Gray blasted over the car speakers, and I squirmed with tension and anxiety. My hands felt sweaty, and I remember rubbing them on my pants to dry them off. After an impossibly long period of time — my mind spinning with questions — I leaned over and had my first kiss.

Dating was different back then. When I graduated high school in 2007, love and like were simple, in-person concepts. That was one month prior to Apple’s famous iPhone release. After that, the Internet was accessible everywhere. Everything completed IRL (“In Real Life”) could be duplicated online — a mirror.

Online dating started to boom in popularity and I heard news/rumors about this growing trend. Honestly, it seemed like it was only for old farts and socially awkward people. Dating seemed effortless in college. In a way, I thought you had to fail at “real life” to turn to online dating.

I had a huge bias: Why would anybody turn to online dating?

This is more popular than I thought

11% of American adults…have used online dating sites or mobile dating apps (Pew Internet Research)

By the time I graduated college, online dating was much less stigmatized. In fact, a shocking number of people have tried it. Based on U.S. Census numbers, that equates to about 33 million people in America who’ve tried online dating. TechCrunch reported that, “38% of people who are ‘single and looking’ have used a dating site or app.”

After I graduated college and was suddenly single, I decided to start my first profile. I was embarrassed to tell anyone. Uploading my pictures and customizing that profile made it real. I tried to represent myself as best as I could, but always felt askew — was this really me? Off and on throughout the years I joined dating sites and actually had some entertaining meetups. Slowly, my stigma began to disappear. Despite all this acceptance, I’ve never paid for online dating.

Should/would you pay for online dating?

Free dating sites have exploded in popularity among Millennials, and the options are plentiful. From swipe-to-date apps like Tinder to the question-and-match power of OkCupid, these sites are exceptionally popular with younger generations. OkCupid offers one of the largest populations of potential matches — all free. People can try out the site, message freely, and quit whenever they want. The intention and commitment is minimal, and the potential is great.

Stalwart dating sites such as Match and eHarmony charge monthly fees for access/communication with other prospective daters. Match.com offers an easy, free signup where you can look at matches, but you can’t send messages or get a phone number until you pay the fee. It costs about $35.99 per month to use this service. eHarmony provides a similar dating and match service for potential compatibility. The site offers a detailed personality inventory to gauge your needs in a potential match. To access these features, you’re looking at $59.95 per month. At these prices, it’s hard not to feel like they’re gauging your wallet to gauge your compatibility.

To pay $36 or $60 a month for an opportunity to meet someone is a scary amount of money — especially if you stay online for multiple months. But sometimes it’s worth the price. Paying for online dating sites is a proof of your intention and seriousness to other people. That monthly fee suggests you’re likely desiring a committed relationship. Likewise, that purpose attracts a community of people that can be hard to come by on free dating sites.

Unfortunately, the for-pay websites often use shady tactics to attract visitors and hook people with longer-term contracts. For instance, Match.com doesn’t show you who can receive messages. And eHarmony forces you to take a survey that takes about 30-40 minutes, suggests you’ll see your “matches,” but then limits how much of the profiles can be seen without a price. These tricky business practices scare me, and they should scare your budget. Here are some eHarmony reviews if you wanted to get some more information about the dating app.

When it comes to paying for online dating, I can’t imagine spending the money. Maybe I’ll eat my words someday, but I don’t want to spend money on something that’s available for free elsewhere — regardless of the overall intention among members. I’m excited that people are interested and open to meeting through new mediums, but I question the expense.

Would you ever pay for online dating? Have you noticed any difference between free or subscription-based sites?

Filed Under: Save Money Tagged With: apps, Budget, date, dating, eharmony, Free, love, match, Millennials, money, okcupid, online dating, relationships, smartphone, tinder

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