Frugaling

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Being “The Best” Made Me Miserable

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Pale Blue Dot Planet Earth Photo From Moon

Growing up, I wanted to be “the best.” Whether it be a pilot, firefighter, or investment banker, I needed to be the best. I was compelled to be better than the rest – always wanting and seeking hierarchical successes.

I competed over grades in school. Another’s “A” threatened my goals. Before I got into graduate school, I ruthlessly pestered professors with questions and looked for ways to improve my final scores. But I couldn’t compete in the hard sciences (i.e., chemistry, physics, and biology).

I purchased designer clothes like Diesel that were more expensive than others could afford. A sweater that cost over $125 was seen as a necessary cost to stand out. But secretly, I couldn’t afford them either — there were tens of thousands in student loans.

I played poker with my friends, and wanted to make more money than they ever could. First place was a sweet spot, and I reveled in knocking them out of the tournaments. But I lost money more often than I’d like, and felt ethically miserable when winning their money.

I wrote articles that were published in various journals and newspapers. My words created conversation and controversy — exactly as intended. But I saw writers my age publishing in Rolling Stone and massive online news sites. There were others publishing books, when I could merely squeak out 700-word columns.

I pictured running marathons with packs of people behind me. I imagined passing more and more people. But when I ran them, thousands finished before me.

My younger years were filled with the pressure to conform and my budget hurt because of it. Each time “the best” motivated me, I spent more money, competed in unhealthy ways, and looked for ways to put people down.

When I look back at my childhood, I realize how susceptible to American exceptionalism I was. My country was “the best” — better than the rest. And I needed to be a player in that world. I wanted to be a patriot and represent my country, as another best.

Eventually, I got burned out fighting to be the best; then, something powerful happened. In relinquishing this drive, I discovered that there’s always someone better than me (or you). There are nearly 7 billion people on this beautiful globe. Talent, expertise, and “the best” is everywhere you look.

As I let go of this need to be the best, I embraced another emotion. It was something like peace combined with acceptance. But not about being lesser than. It sounded like, “I’m okay as is, and I’m happy doing my personal best.”

There was a secondary consequence of letting go of my compulsion to be the best. My spending plummeted.

I stopped spending as much on food and travel. I sold my car, and got rid of hundreds of dollars in monthly costs associated with ownership (from gasoline to insurance to maintenance to car loan payments). My clothing costs fell, and are nearly $0 every month.

Ironically, I felt healthier and saved more money than ever. The buzz of inadequacy that had promulgated my inner voice quieted. I started to feel comfortable and humbled — happy to be me.

Consumption and affordability are warped and twisted by our drive to be the best. Imagine what your life would be like if you stopped competing with others reputations and talents. It influences everything about our lives.

What if we throw away this cultural norm and embrace who we are today? Would the brand new blazer or dress be as important? Would we finally be happy?

What’s $100 Worth In Your State?

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The Tax Foundation just released new research that shows how much $100 is worth in each state. When accounting for living expenses, purchasing power, and taxes, the organization found that your money’s value varies greatly from state to state. In fact, if you have that money in Mississippi, it’s equal to about $115.74, when compared to the national average. Or, if you live in D.C., that only equals $84.60!

The Tax Foundation Price Parity Map
Source: The Tax Foundation

How does your state compare?

4 Ways Coupons Manipulate Spending Habits — Watch Out!

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Every Wednesday and Sunday — if you subscribe to a paper — you generally receive a healthy dose of coupons. Everything from soups to toilet paper to deli meats are frequently included in the pile. With open arms, many clippers sift through the mass to find a couple deals.

Some people collect them, place them in binders, and combine coupons with store deals. Websites and shows like The Krazy Coupon Lady and TLC’s Extreme Couponing examine, research, and find incredible coupon-based deals. Everyone seems to love coupons!

You should be concerned.

Coupons are developed by vast marketing and advertising teams for corporations. The advertising industry as a whole is estimated to be in the hundreds of billions, and a significant portion is outlined for couponing. But subtly, clipping those weekly coupons affects the psychological decision making in the supermarket. Here are 4 ways that coupons manipulate your spending habits.

Watch Out! Coupons Manipulate Spending Money Cash1. Clip, cause cognitive dissonance

Every time you clip a coupon, your mind buys a product. Even though you haven’t gone out and purchased the item, to clip a coupon, it’s a commitment of time and action. This has a direct effect on your wallet.

A powerful psychological effect that can occur when you clip a coupon: cognitive dissonance. If, for instance, you decide to clip a coupon and then later question whether you really need the product, this may lead to dissonance. Essentially, this is a distress associated with spending the effort to clip a coupon that you now might not use. For many people, they’ll use a coupon just because they clipped it — regardless if it’s the cheapest option once they get to the store.

2. Exposure predicts spending

Exposure is the key to purchasing a product. What a simple conclusion, right? Well, stores know that the more face time you have with a product, the more likely you are to buy it. If the exposure begins prior to entering the store, you’re effectively being primed for the future purchase.

With coupons, your eyeball sees the product at home. If you clip it out, you are further intensifying the duration of the exposure. More time in front of you equals more money for the grocer and advertiser. How easy!

3. Is that really any cheaper?

One of the most important reasons that people clip coupons is to save money. Ironically, this may not actually lower your shopping bill. Coupons are not usually offered for generic, store-brand merchandise or fresh produce. Instead, they’re frequently marketing name brand items that already have a built-in premium. This added cost often voids any discount associated with using a coupon.

It’s very important to pay careful attention to the coupon you’ve clipped out. At a store, you need to look for generic items, and then compare them to the name brand item for the coupon. All of this takes a level of vigilance and time that many don’t have or care to have at the grocery store. For both time and money, just buying generic items is normally the best bet.

4. Coupons are getting smarter

Smartphones, apps, and online coupon sites are increasingly digging into your spending habits. Your rewards credit card, frequent shopper card, and web browsing history may be leeching your data to third-party companies. These organizations then will compile and predict what you want. They’re so accurate that Target can tell when you’re pregnant, about to have a child, and/or the ages of your children (read Brandwashed for more on this tactic).

By using these predictive tactics, companies can practically read your mind. If they know all your purchases and habits, coupons can be created that make you look at new, similar products. These choices may cost more over time, but offer a great deal at first. If you like the newer product more, the system has worked and you’re hooked. Now, the money is theirs to reap.

It’s not that coupons are always bad or more expensive than generic brands, but they can sometimes change your spending habits for the worse. Moreover, think about all the time that’s necessary to clip those coupons and find the special savings — this adds up. If you spend your time making more money and buying generic, this could actually be smarter in the long run!

Relationships And My Leaky Budget: Learning To Fix Myself And Save Money

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Single, lonely, and spending money

When I was younger, I felt lonely. We’re talking a crushing, oh-shit-the-world-is-empty type. I wouldn’t say I was a deep thinker, but my questions seemed more macro — larger than the everyday.

I use to draw a lot. My art was dark and moody. Often, I seemed to be expressing my disdain for life, and the sadness I felt inside.

I spent money like it was going out of style. I couldn’t resist buying a $1,000+ dollar road bike on a whim, even though I had barely showed any interest in cycling. Oh, and there was that gambling problem, too.

The cash in my wallet was merely an intermediary between work and stores — singlehandedly feeding the consumption our economy supposedly needed. I didn’t save money. It was meant to be spent. I was definitely dissatisfied with life. Another part was fearful of dying too soon. I spent so much money trying to avoid those feelings.

Looking back, I know I made huge spending mistakes. Only now can see how that affected me.

Coupled, insecure, and still spending money

Unfortunately, my spending didn’t resolve itself because I was suddenly in relationships. I thought that would fix everything. When partnered, I felt compelled to impress, treat, give, and spend. I wanted to be easygoing — I tried so hard to be — and spent like it was the end of days.

I couldn’t save money. I was spending whatever I had to make someone else happy. In the process, I only grew more unhappy and indebted to a bank; that affected my girlfriends, too.

Deeply insecure and and spending without pause, my budgets always crumbled. My desire for frugality was bashed in by insecurities and inner loneliness. I cannot tell you how many times I thought, “Am I worth it?” That question always hurt.

Put the oxygen on mask on yourself before helping others
Maybe it’s a trite cliché, but sometimes you have to put the mask on yourself before helping others.

Single and saving money

Back then, I was withering under the pressure. Something shifted in me. Nowadays, things are slightly different; not perfect, but better. I’m able to evaluate situations in fairness and calmly make the next steps for a longer-term future.

I’m single again. Rather than feel lonely, I notice a new security and happiness. I’m surrounded by friends and people I care deeply about, while working tirelessly to help others through my work (counseling).

Every now and then, hunger pains for spending stir in me. I sit before my laptop — a four-year-old Macbook Air — as it whirs away inefficiently and slower than it used to operate. I feel a pull to spend more than I currently have to buy a new laptop. I’ll wait.

I see a wonderful Patagonia shirt, which is accidentally being advertised to me through a YouTube personality. It makes my mind cue up a desire for one of my own. Before I buy that $70+ shirt, I remember what I’m trying to do, and resist the purchase. I’ll wait.

Staying present, focused on my goals

Unlike past years, when I felt isolated and alone, I’m (mostly) secure and hopeful. I’m excited with my days — blown away by the meaning I derive from both my play and work. Somehow the spending is more on my terms.

When I pull out my cash or cards, I know why I’m doing it. I’m not paying off demons inside my head or distracting myself through conspicuous consumption. No, I’m interested in being intentional, thoughtful, accountable to myself and others. When I have a healthy, balanced budget a remarkably simple consequence occurs: I feel positive, too.

That’s what I’m working on.

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