Over the last month, I’ve been working on my dissertation. While writing this tome, I’m continuing clinical work at a local VA, instructing two courses, and creating scholarly papers. This might be the busiest moment of my life. And in about a month, I’ll need to hand over a draft to my adviser. And he’ll decide “go” or “no go.” My future depends on it.
The symptoms of this pressure are powerful. I’ve struggled to write, become a nervous wreck, and have unending indigestion. My stomach burbles and gurgles with unease. Simultaneously, Frugaling has been unusually quiet, and I’ve been shocked by the emails from regular readers wondering how I’m doing (you’re so sweet!). I’ve been unable to write as much as I like.
Eventually the dissertation writing will end. But I can’t help but think, I need to succeed. I’m in control of this moment, and I’ve never been more motivated.
Unfortunately, as I’ve focused on this one area, a handful of others things have faltered. Control in one category, has led to failures in others. It’s like my brain can only concentrate on a few things at once; then, it descends into reactive, non-conscious action. My reptilian brain takes over, and I let autopilot handle the controls.
My ideals of frugality and simple living have taken a back seat to this burden. Even after two years of Frugaling, I’m embarrassed to say I still struggle to maintain a budget when the stress hits the fan. With nearly every moment hunched over my keyboard, hammering away at keys incessantly, old habits are returning.
The inner voice says, “I’m too hungry to wait for home. I want to treat myself for writing so much. I need a break – give me that large popcorn.” Me, me, me, me, me. I crave candy, quick meals, and snacks at strange times. Yes, I want that fatty burger and fries. Yum! All I want is to swipe a worry away and not feel guilty for doing so. Suddenly, I can spend $60-70 in a day’s worth of food. Poof!
These moments highlight the complexity of changing a budget and spending less. We can make great alterations to our lives, and still relapse and regress. It happens. And I think I know why.
See, the first 24 years of my life, I didn’t watch spending, create a budget, cook at home, avoid student/car loans, bike to school/work, or look for ways to save. My brain developed a pathway and logic to deal with nearly everything over those years, including when to eat out, buy a car, etc. Frugality wasn’t in the mix, and it got me into 5 figures of debt.
It’s hard to change anything; especially if that’s all you’ve known. The neuronal structure has developed a keen appreciation for certain types of rewards and feedback. Simply put, my brain expects me to spend when I’m stressed. To change this pattern of behavior requires repeated corrective action, recognition of when I’m slipping, accountability from friends/family, and other reward mechanisms.
One of my psychology textbooks curiously likes to say that after about 6 months of change, a habit can stick. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s not always the case. Despite a couple years of successful behavioral change, I occasionally fight to regain control and relapse to old spending.
Various factors work against me. Twenty-four years of bad habits and a society full of encouraging messages about immediate gratification stack the deck. It’s an uphill battle, but I’m better at waging it than ever before.
I might not have perfected my budget but change has occurred. Today, I can realize when everything is falling apart – spending has gone haywire – and stop. Today, I can write this letter of accountability to you all. Today, I can admit faults while acknowledging strengths.
Frugality isn’t about dogma or perfection. We’re on a journey – together – to find ways to save, spend less, and recapture control when we lose it. There’s power in these lessons and the brain – while stubborn to change – does slowly cooperate.
Glad to see you’re doing well Sam. I’m in the same boat I’ve had a number of thankfully positive changes in my life which require a time commitment, so my blogging has gone by the wayside. I guess it’s a matter of priorities. If our livelihood was tied to our blogs, I’m sure we would never miss a post.
In any case, good luck to you on your dissertation and good luck to all of us trying to maintain our good financial habits.
Syed,
Thanks for your comment and support, my blogging friend! 🙂 Trying to keep at it, but some priorities these days are taking precedence. I’ll be able to ramp back up once the massive writing commitments are complete.
Wish me luck,
Sam
Sam, I feel confident your adviser will give up “two thumbs up” on your dissertation draft. Good luck!
Re the “six months to make a positive change.” Hmmm. That might apply to things like making your bed or learning to use your mouse with the opposite hand! But for deep-rooted compulsions or addictions, I think it’s a lifelong struggle. There’s a reason my uncle went to AA meetings every day for 55 years!
Sam, I wish you the best of luck with your dissertation draft! With the hard work you have put into it, I have no doubts that your adviser will give you the go after reading. In challenging times, it’s incredibly easy to revert back to what draws us to “comfort” – sugary foods we crave, old habits, the lack of sleep that lets our minds wander to where we haven’t been for awhile. I think you’ve pointed out the greatest point that it’s a journey, and perfection is not the goal to be sought after. Keep up the amazing work, you’ve got this!
Chill. Relax. At least in your mind’s eye! We are all works in progress and you are still young to want to be “finished”!!
I agree with Bette – changing habits is not quite changing behaviours; that is bound to be a lifelong goal. Just the awareness makes all the difference and you sure have that, in buckets.
Good luck, pace yourself, there’s still a lot of life ahead 😉 You’ll be fine.
It’s a life-long battle… at 56, I still slip, but they come less frequently and I forgive myself more readily when the slip-ups occur. Start every day with new determination, and flexibility. When you’re stressed and overwhelmed, survival is primary – tomorrow you can start being frugal once again!
Sam, as an Academic Coach (with a PhD), I know how stressful this time can be. But, as stressful as it feels, your future DOES NOT depend on your advisor’s decision of go/no go. You are a bright, hard working, thoughtful person, you will manage whatever comes your way (Go OR no Go). It is too easy in these situations to develop tunnel vision – where the path the school lays out seems like the only path, but that just contributes needlessly to the stress you are already experiencing. Best of luck, even though you won’t need it.
Sam, I admire both your honesty and your compassion for yourself in your process of frugaling, and I enjoyed reading your well-written article. I, too, have similar struggles. After about 8 months of closely tracking my spending and focusing on frugality as well as a year spent focusing on my nutritional health, including eating a whole foods, plant based diet, both have slipped recently due to stressful life circumstances. One of my stressors is that due to a rental arrangement that fell through at the last minute I have unexpectedly found myself in a temporary housing situation which is uncomfortable for me and I am looking for something more suitable, which is turning out to be challenging in my price range. As a result, to offload some of my stress I find some entertainment spending and Starbucks lattes where little or none appeared before are turning up in my expenditures this month — and they are adding up. Similarly, some of my commitment to self-care (eg., stretching and exercising and taking the time to prepare healthy meals) has waned as I have been focusing my energy on dealing more directly with my stressors — searching the classifieds for housing, rather than spending time stretching or making my food. The problem is, of course, that I don’t get to benefit from the good feelings that the exercise or making of my food bring. And I am deviating from my long term financial goals.
I like your explanation that “our brains tell us” how to react to stressful feelings based on the neural pathways that have already been formed based on past habitual experiences, and that what our brain tells us can and does change with awareness, dedication and continued efforts on our part. Similarly, I’m also working with the idea also that, for me my brain is trying to “put out a fire.” That is, beyond the discomfort I’m experiencing with my housing situation currently, there is an underlying panic occurring for me that my brain is trying to contend with. And that panic has less to do with what is happening at the moment than with events that happened in my distant history. My brain is saying “fix this, fix this now” out of a fear some part of me has that there will be dire consequences if I allow things to unfold in due course. This “freaking out” aspect of my brain is challenging to counter, indeed. I am doing some seated meditation to try to stay with my uncomfortable feelings and this is of some help in curbing my reactivity a little.
I am wishing you ease as you continue along in the process of writing your dissertation. I have not attempted a PhD but did complete a Masters level degree. Your writing about the sense of how much is riding on the outcome of the process brought back a lot of memories of my experience. I think now that writing about that process would have helped me to get through it somewhat more easily.
Thank you for your blog 🙂
I think of my lifestyle as seasonal rather than fixed. I practice generally good habits, but I certainly go through periods of time where they start slipping (like my exercise routine or eating well), and I have to consciously work to get them back on track and re-establish the habit. I think the only failure is to not have that check in with yourself and realign.
Sam, I have been following you for a relatively short time and I always enjoy your posts. However, I must say this is your best yet. In the past five years I have managed to improve my health by getting my compulsive and/or mindless eating under control. I have lost a hundred pounds and maintained my new weight.
Recently I applied the same techniques to my financial life. No more credit card debt and savings are starting to grow!
As you point out, though, there have been “slips”. The best lesson I have learned is what you have said. Acknowledge the problem without beating yourself up then get back on track.
Hang in there and thanks for a great post!
So inspirational. All the best 🙂
Sam please have some self compassion . Everything will be ok .XO
Hi, as a fellow dissertation survivor, I just wanted to say I hear your complaints about “stress tummy” and I hope you take care of yourself in these final months of your degree.
One thing that worked for me during this time was making sure I had ample food at my office. This is a weird time in my life when I started eating breakfast at work on a regular basis, because I was often too stressed out first thing in the morning to hold anything down without seriously aggravating the stress tummy, and a later breakfast seemed to sustain me longer.
Best wishes, and stay sane!
It’s so true and helpful to realize the “frugality is not about perfection.” Of course we could all spend less. There are moments in our lives where we need to loosen the control in one area to allow other areas to work. It’s also great that you can recognize when you’re letting go too much. Hoping for the best for your dissertation!