I hate you. I love you.
The other day a friend asked, “Do you ever consider that you think about money too much?”
It’s a tough question that I used to hear a lot in high school. Back then I was gambling online and between classes – itching to throw down money. I had a problematic relationship with money.
I was surprised to hear it again. I’ve worked hard to change my relationship with money. How far have I really come if I’m hearing it again?
Denial didn’t work
In a way, the onslaught of student loans a few years ago was a consequence of not placing importance in my total bank value. I took out loans, and let them artificially fill my bank account. I stopped budgeting and tracking. Money was evil, and I would deny it’s presence and consequences — as long as the federal government was filling my coffers.
My hope was to talk about it less and never focus on it with others. The loans piled up. With nearly $40,000 of student loan debt after two years of graduate school, I was on track to graduate with $100,000+. Then, I was hit with the debt question: “how much do you owe?” The gravity of that changed my relationship with money. Essentially, I may lose opportunities in life because of excessive debt.
This prompted me to take action, reduce my debt, and start Frugaling. I accepted and embraced the effect money had on my ability to have a family and future. Not having it was at the root of much discontent and stress.
Balance is necessary but hard to find
Recently, over a more expensive meal, I remark aloud that the prices are exorbitant. The food is local, fresh, and natural, but after two small plates and a drink, I’m staring at a $30 bill. I feel guilty — I’m not following my budget tonight and it’s hurting my ability to pay off debt.
As the night rolls on, others mention financial concerns and questions. We’re on the subject because I started it. The topic stays on money for a while, and then the question that inspired this article gets asked of me.
“Do you ever consider that you think about money too much?”
Suddenly, I’m confronted with this scary feeling again. I wonder, “Am I doing it wrong? Is money too important again?”
The short answer is that I’m not sure. A lot has changed, but there’s more work to do. Focusing on money can metastasize its importance. What I know is that staying within my budget requires vigilance, but it can’t be my sole effort.
It’s hard not to reflect on this time and think, “Damn, I’m imperfect at this.”
Thanks for this post. I tend to think about it to much, but have been fortunate recently to be in a situation where I can take a bit of a breather. It’s nice to let it go sometimes.
On the other hand, if you get in a comfortable situation with money and don’t think about it enough, you could be on your way back to where you were, even if it’s not to the same extent. I had to learn what to budget for a (thankfully low-maintenance) child and didn’t know ahead of time how expensive some things would be. Due to some new circumstances, I have more cash flow moving forward. But, if I’m not strict enough with my budget still, college etc. will creep up fast, I know.
Like many other things, I suppose there is a time and a place when thinking about money is not as appropriate or helpful. Perhaps it wouldn’t be a terrible exercise to budget money thoughts, too. Hit your quota, and then let it go.
Haha. Love this comment! Maybe one should balance their thoughts too. Great point! 🙂
I probably do think about money too often, and not in the best ways. It’s usually because I am stressed about spending. I feel guilty about it at times, too. It is a tough balance! You want to enjoy your meal, but you’re sitting there thinking you just blew your budget for the month. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself.
Em,
Thanks for sharing your own struggles with a budget and that occasional, more expensive meal. It can be difficult finding a good balance.
You’re not alone in this!
Sam
I think many people fail to actually think of money often enough. Sure your whole life ought not to be focused on money, but considering things like strategy and how to use your money is really valuable. I agree that its a balancing act. Ultimately, I think only you can decide what is enough and what is too much.
I am constantly questioning my relationship with money. Being a personal finance blogger and a ongoing student of finances, I feel like I think about money too much sometimes.
The funny thing is that I am more concerned with teaching others about money than getting it for myself. I guess you could say I am more interested in money than in love with it.
Great article! It’s a good question that everyone should ask.
I think an ironically under-appreciated aspect of “frugaling” is its ability to enhance one’s appreciation of products and experiences. For someone on a well-regulated budget, a $30 dinner is special for its extraordinariness; it is special for the very fact that it is not on “the budget.” Yet sometimes, frugaling can actually impede on your ability to appreciate by causing you to spend more time thinking about the money spent than thinking about the very thing that you broke your budget to enjoy. “Economizing” preoccupation with money, for me, involves not viewing every experience as monetarily quantifiable.
Maybe that’s what your friend was trying to say.
Also, show me someone with a “perfect” relationship with money, and I’ll eat my hat (which, by the way, would be considerably less expensive than your $30 dinner and is also notably gluten free). You seem to have one of the better ones.
Kate,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Glad you did!
That piece about enhancing the appreciation of certain products/experiences is an important part. Frugality isn’t necessarily about being a cheapskate; rather, spending money on moments intentionally and ruthlessly cutting costs on all the other areas.
You’re absolutely right that an occasional $30 dinner with intention is special for the purposeful extraordinariness. That’s something I don’t necessarily think about as often, and a really good point.
I don’t know if I could break away from and remove the quantifying part of spending money. For me, I need to keep a close awareness of my budget, as I could go into the red and amass scary amounts of student loans in short time otherwise. I wonder if there’s a way to have both — to stop quantifying and keep in check?
Sam