Single, lonely, and spending money
When I was younger, I felt lonely. We’re talking a crushing, oh-shit-the-world-is-empty type. I wouldn’t say I was a deep thinker, but my questions seemed more macro — larger than the everyday.
I use to draw a lot. My art was dark and moody. Often, I seemed to be expressing my disdain for life, and the sadness I felt inside.
I spent money like it was going out of style. I couldn’t resist buying a $1,000+ dollar road bike on a whim, even though I had barely showed any interest in cycling. Oh, and there was that gambling problem, too.
The cash in my wallet was merely an intermediary between work and stores — singlehandedly feeding the consumption our economy supposedly needed. I didn’t save money. It was meant to be spent. I was definitely dissatisfied with life. Another part was fearful of dying too soon. I spent so much money trying to avoid those feelings.
Looking back, I know I made huge spending mistakes. Only now can see how that affected me.
Coupled, insecure, and still spending money
Unfortunately, my spending didn’t resolve itself because I was suddenly in relationships. I thought that would fix everything. When partnered, I felt compelled to impress, treat, give, and spend. I wanted to be easygoing — I tried so hard to be — and spent like it was the end of days.
I couldn’t save money. I was spending whatever I had to make someone else happy. In the process, I only grew more unhappy and indebted to a bank; that affected my girlfriends, too.
Deeply insecure and and spending without pause, my budgets always crumbled. My desire for frugality was bashed in by insecurities and inner loneliness. I cannot tell you how many times I thought, “Am I worth it?” That question always hurt.
Single and saving money
Back then, I was withering under the pressure. Something shifted in me. Nowadays, things are slightly different; not perfect, but better. I’m able to evaluate situations in fairness and calmly make the next steps for a longer-term future.
I’m single again. Rather than feel lonely, I notice a new security and happiness. I’m surrounded by friends and people I care deeply about, while working tirelessly to help others through my work (counseling).
Every now and then, hunger pains for spending stir in me. I sit before my laptop — a four-year-old Macbook Air — as it whirs away inefficiently and slower than it used to operate. I feel a pull to spend more than I currently have to buy a new laptop. I’ll wait.
I see a wonderful Patagonia shirt, which is accidentally being advertised to me through a YouTube personality. It makes my mind cue up a desire for one of my own. Before I buy that $70+ shirt, I remember what I’m trying to do, and resist the purchase. I’ll wait.
Staying present, focused on my goals
Unlike past years, when I felt isolated and alone, I’m (mostly) secure and hopeful. I’m excited with my days — blown away by the meaning I derive from both my play and work. Somehow the spending is more on my terms.
When I pull out my cash or cards, I know why I’m doing it. I’m not paying off demons inside my head or distracting myself through conspicuous consumption. No, I’m interested in being intentional, thoughtful, accountable to myself and others. When I have a healthy, balanced budget a remarkably simple consequence occurs: I feel positive, too.
That’s what I’m working on.
Hey Sam, I did a similar thing a number of years ago. When I first started working I found that I was both lonely and not very happy with my job at the time. Because of this I ended up going out and spending lots of money thinking it would make me happy, and those nights I was out, I was happy. But the rest of the week I found the loneliness creeping back in, something was still missing.
Fast forward 6 or so years (I wish I could have figured it out sooner) and I started to realize that I was doing a lot of things for other people and not enough for myself. I thought that if I could please other people then they in turn would help me. And some friends of mine did reciprocate but they never gave back as much as they took, which is fine, friendships shouldn’t be weighted solely on effort. But it finally took me starting to be mindful of what I was doing to help me be happier with my decisions. If something takes little effort and helps a friend I have no problems doing it, but if it takes a lot of effort on my behalf and there’s a good chance that it will go unnoticed by friends then I choose me. Over the years my filters adjust on how I spend my time/money but they still revolve around the same principle of “what is important to me.” The romantic idea that someone else will put us first is great, but to be honest, not everyone has that all the time. The only person that will look out for us all the time is ourselves. Maybe it’s selfish, but our lives and relationships go through various states of flux for which we have to constantly adapt. I believe that if we don’t take care of ourselves, it makes things infinitely harder to care for others.
Zee,
Thank you for sharing about your story. It means a lot to hear that you connected with this. That entertainment and lonelinesses trap can be so difficult.
You’re talking about the greatest balance questions in friendships. And you’re absolutely right that figuring out this balance is vital to future relationships.
Thanks for your awesome comment!
Sam
I can definitely relate to the concept of spending more money during times of my life when I’ve felt “less than.” I don’t know if it’s a conscious or unconscious thing, but thankfully for the last couple years or so spending has been much more in control.
It is such an inspiration how you lifted up yourself from those bad experiences. That shows that unhealthy spending habit is really dangerous for someone. But I’m glad that even now that you still have those temptations, you were able to resist it.
Good to see you found methods for coping with the feelings. I’ve always been a bit of the opposite and prefer to purge my stuff during times of sadness, as if getting rid of things could help appease whatever pain I’m feeling. It doesn’t.
Thank you for sharing your story as I’m sure there are many people out there asking themselves the same question who just need to know they aren’t alone.