relationships Archives

How Do Relationships Influence Frugality?

I want to spend this week talking about relationships. Why? Well, because money and relationships often go hand in hand, whether we like it or not. Income, wealth, and spending issues are one of the most common concerns for partners.

When I founded Frugaling, I was in a relationship and felt this pressure — internal and external — to change my habits and reduce my spending. What happened next still feels like a dream. In thinking about that process of becoming more financially solvent, I decided to write a little article for one of my favorite personal finance websites, Frugalwoods.com.

Today, you’ll find my thoughts on being single, staying frugal, and thinking about whether a relationship is right for me… financially. Then, on Wednesday, the author of that site will be publishing her own article here on Frugaling! She’ll share her thoughts on love, relationships, and the ability to be even more frugal when married.

The two of us come from different backgrounds, genders, demographics, and are in opposite sides of the relationship coin. Despite these differences, we both came to frugal living. I can’t wait to hear from you all about your journey and how relationships help/hinder your ability to save!

Relationships And My Leaky Budget: Learning To Fix Myself And Save Money

By Frugaling 5 Comments

Single, lonely, and spending money

When I was younger, I felt lonely. We’re talking a crushing, oh-shit-the-world-is-empty type. I wouldn’t say I was a deep thinker, but my questions seemed more macro — larger than the everyday.

I use to draw a lot. My art was dark and moody. Often, I seemed to be expressing my disdain for life, and the sadness I felt inside.

I spent money like it was going out of style. I couldn’t resist buying a $1,000+ dollar road bike on a whim, even though I had barely showed any interest in cycling. Oh, and there was that gambling problem, too.

The cash in my wallet was merely an intermediary between work and stores — singlehandedly feeding the consumption our economy supposedly needed. I didn’t save money. It was meant to be spent. I was definitely dissatisfied with life. Another part was fearful of dying too soon. I spent so much money trying to avoid those feelings.

Looking back, I know I made huge spending mistakes. Only now can see how that affected me.

Coupled, insecure, and still spending money

Unfortunately, my spending didn’t resolve itself because I was suddenly in relationships. I thought that would fix everything. When partnered, I felt compelled to impress, treat, give, and spend. I wanted to be easygoing — I tried so hard to be — and spent like it was the end of days.

I couldn’t save money. I was spending whatever I had to make someone else happy. In the process, I only grew more unhappy and indebted to a bank; that affected my girlfriends, too.

Deeply insecure and and spending without pause, my budgets always crumbled. My desire for frugality was bashed in by insecurities and inner loneliness. I cannot tell you how many times I thought, “Am I worth it?” That question always hurt.

Put the oxygen on mask on yourself before helping others — Maybe it’s a trite cliché, but sometimes you have to put the mask on yourself before helping others.

Single and saving money

Back then, I was withering under the pressure. Something shifted in me. Nowadays, things are slightly different; not perfect, but better. I’m able to evaluate situations in fairness and calmly make the next steps for a longer-term future.

I’m single again. Rather than feel lonely, I notice a new security and happiness. I’m surrounded by friends and people I care deeply about, while working tirelessly to help others through my work (counseling).

Every now and then, hunger pains for spending stir in me. I sit before my laptop — a four-year-old Macbook Air — as it whirs away inefficiently and slower than it used to operate. I feel a pull to spend more than I currently have to buy a new laptop. I’ll wait.

I see a wonderful Patagonia shirt, which is accidentally being advertised to me through a YouTube personality. It makes my mind cue up a desire for one of my own. Before I buy that $70+ shirt, I remember what I’m trying to do, and resist the purchase. I’ll wait.

Staying present, focused on my goals

Unlike past years, when I felt isolated and alone, I’m (mostly) secure and hopeful. I’m excited with my days — blown away by the meaning I derive from both my play and work. Somehow the spending is more on my terms.

When I pull out my cash or cards, I know why I’m doing it. I’m not paying off demons inside my head or distracting myself through conspicuous consumption. No, I’m interested in being intentional, thoughtful, accountable to myself and others. When I have a healthy, balanced budget a remarkably simple consequence occurs: I feel positive, too.

That’s what I’m working on.

Love is a click away, but is it worth paying for online dating?

By Frugaling 4 Comments

Online dating: From stigma to commonplace

We sat in the high school parking lot, and I laughed every now and then — awkwardly I may add. David Gray blasted over the car speakers, and I squirmed with tension and anxiety. My hands felt sweaty, and I remember rubbing them on my pants to dry them off. After an impossibly long period of time — my mind spinning with questions — I leaned over and had my first kiss.

Dating was different back then. When I graduated high school in 2007, love and like were simple, in-person concepts. That was one month prior to Apple’s famous iPhone release. After that, the Internet was accessible everywhere. Everything completed IRL (“In Real Life”) could be duplicated online — a mirror.

Online dating started to boom in popularity and I heard news/rumors about this growing trend. Honestly, it seemed like it was only for old farts and socially awkward people. Dating seemed effortless in college. In a way, I thought you had to fail at “real life” to turn to online dating.

I had a huge bias: Why would anybody turn to online dating?

This is more popular than I thought

11% of American adults…have used online dating sites or mobile dating apps (Pew Internet Research)

By the time I graduated college, online dating was much less stigmatized. In fact, a shocking number of people have tried it. Based on U.S. Census numbers, that equates to about 33 million people in America who’ve tried online dating. TechCrunch reported that, “38% of people who are ‘single and looking’ have used a dating site or app.”

After I graduated college and was suddenly single, I decided to start my first profile. I was embarrassed to tell anyone. Uploading my pictures and customizing that profile made it real. I tried to represent myself as best as I could, but always felt askew — was this really me? Off and on throughout the years I joined dating sites and actually had some entertaining meetups. Slowly, my stigma began to disappear. Despite all this acceptance, I’ve never paid for online dating.

Should/would you pay for online dating?

Free dating sites have exploded in popularity among Millennials, and the options are plentiful. From swipe-to-date apps like Tinder to the question-and-match power of OkCupid, these sites are exceptionally popular with younger generations. OkCupid offers one of the largest populations of potential matches — all free. People can try out the site, message freely, and quit whenever they want. The intention and commitment is minimal, and the potential is great.

Stalwart dating sites such as Match and eHarmony charge monthly fees for access/communication with other prospective daters. Match.com offers an easy, free signup where you can look at matches, but you can’t send messages or get a phone number until you pay the fee. It costs about $35.99 per month to use this service. eHarmony provides a similar dating and match service for potential compatibility. The site offers a detailed personality inventory to gauge your needs in a potential match. To access these features, you’re looking at $59.95 per month. At these prices, it’s hard not to feel like they’re gauging your wallet to gauge your compatibility.

To pay $36 or $60 a month for an opportunity to meet someone is a scary amount of money — especially if you stay online for multiple months. But sometimes it’s worth the price. Paying for online dating sites is a proof of your intention and seriousness to other people. That monthly fee suggests you’re likely desiring a committed relationship. Likewise, that purpose attracts a community of people that can be hard to come by on free dating sites.

Unfortunately, the for-pay websites often use shady tactics to attract visitors and hook people with longer-term contracts. For instance, Match.com doesn’t show you who can receive messages. And eHarmony forces you to take a survey that takes about 30-40 minutes, suggests you’ll see your “matches,” but then limits how much of the profiles can be seen without a price. These tricky business practices scare me, and they should scare your budget.

When it comes to paying for online dating, I can’t imagine spending the money. Maybe I’ll eat my words someday, but I don’t want to spend money on something that’s available for free elsewhere — regardless of the overall intention among members. I’m excited that people are interested and open to meeting through new mediums, but I question the expense.

Would you ever pay for online dating? Have you noticed any difference between free or subscription-based sites?

The Debt Breaking Point: A Student Reforms His Budget

By Frugaling 5 Comments

Budget College Graduate Student Loans Debt — *If your budget looks anything like this truck, you’re in trouble*.

As a student, we are presented a nearly blank check in the form of student loans and financial aid packages (aka, more student loans). It can be hard to resist taking out more than you actually need. But once you open the intravenous drip of federal funds, it can be hard to quit it – hard to reduce your liabilities.

A close friend of mine confided in me that he was broke. The credit card debt had taken over. It wasn’t supposed to work out this way. He had student loans, but he knew better. Something had happened; sort of inexplicable, really. His expenditures soared, but the income was stagnant.

After realizing his budget couldn’t right itself, he scrambled to find help with friends and family. Fortunately, they supported him financially and he’s been fixing his broken budget. The following are some excerpts from our conversation (via email), as he’s learned a lot about what drove him to this level.

Romantic relationships and money

Our conversation ran the gamut, but for a moment, he focused on the impact of relationships and money. Implicitly, there’s a pressure as man (whether there should be or not) to treat and offer to pay – to be a provider.

I like the thought too about expectations, the impact on relationships (if one partner has to suddenly cut back). Part of my expectation (related to gender role socialization) has made it tough for me. I’m so used to being able to buy nice things for Susie, to pay for her dinner, to treat her to nice surprises (fuck, even for little things like buying flowers).

He ran out, and in sharing this with his partner, she was surprisingly accepting, supportive, and helpful. It can be difficult to admit budgetary defeat, and the longer it goes unnoticed, untamed, and denied, the deeper the hole can become. Here are some things he learned from confronting and sharing this realization:

…She’s been great about the whole thing. I think she’s honestly relieved a bit. She’s been much better at being frugal than me (more self-disciplined and better at handling money) from day one. I think she’s been very aware that marrying me means joining with my maelstrom of ego-driven impulse buys, not effortfully considering the true cost (long term) of my purchases, whether I can afford things in reality, and my staggering student loan debt.

Dinner Budget Student Loans Debt — *Shopping and going out can be easy – too easy.*

Last May, I realized I was sinking, and attempted to change everything because I didn’t want my debt to destroy a loving relationship. Seemingly, by confronting and asking for support from others (emotional and/or financial), the way back can be made easier. My friend decided he needed to start from scratch and analyze the budgetary gaps where money was disappearing.

The sink is shipping… How do I take back control?

For me, I had a similar experience to your 7 day challenge. I had so many little expenditures I didn’t realize (holes in the hull of my “finance boat” if you will). I had far less variety in food while I was getting the hang of it. I made rice & beans and had it for like 6 meals. I changed a few things up, would add cheese or salsa. I would wrap it in a tortilla or just have in a bowl. And I would intersperse a McDonald’s dollar menu purchase to balance it out. But it was tough feeling like I’d failed. Tough having to tell myself no, you can’t have it. I think it helps knowing I can’t “cheat” when I have these either-or decisions to make.

As he traveled through the joys of cutting back and realizing what needed to go, the budget was pretty clear; all or nothing, he had to change. The spending couldn’t be sustained. The credit cards were maxed. The student loans were tapped.

When I had literally $0 mid-way through December, I started to realize what had to be done. And magically, I was able to change my expectations, get a roommate, cancel many unnecessary things (gym membership, no more buying expensive proteins, no more consumer reports, got Comcast to lower my cable bill, etc). I’ve been able to set up a budget and stick to it. I’ve been able to track every expense, because I finally HAVE to do this. Years of attempts and failures, but finally having “skin in the game” lead to success.

Changing, fixing your budget is more difficult than it sounds

To spout out the mantras and trite cliches that simply say, “Change your budget to take in more than you spend,” can sometimes be more difficult than it sounds.

Adjusting my budget wasn’t a small change, it’s a giant lifestyle change that’s hitting nearly every area of my life. I needed to change my workout routine since I cut my gym routine. I have to get a roommate and change my living situation. I have to get used to rarely eating out. I have to change leisure time since I can’t really afford 20$+ to take Susie and me to the theater. My choice was to bottom out with no money in May again, or finally get my shit together. And for now, I’m on the get your shit together path.

Like many who’ve participated on this site, asked me, or debated online, the line between frugality and simply stingy/cheap is sometimes a gray area. Being cheap can sometimes elicit a value question.

A big question a lot of this leaves me with is how to be frugal without being cheap. I think there is some overlap, but that they are different. Frugal to me means cutting back, often not being fully satisfied at the reward of more savings. Cheap to me often reflects a self-interested style of frugality. In my mind, I think of friends who would leave little to no tip at restaurants, try to get everyone else to pay for them, continually try to ask “are you going to finish that.” As I’m making huge changes, maybe I’m trying to find a way to stay congruent with my values in the process.

By sharing my friend’s hard lessons learned and insights along the way, I hope it gives you a window into a world. What you do with that window is yours.

Special thanks to my close friend and confidant. Really appreciate being able to share your growth and story with my readers. All names have been changed, but you know who you are!