Happiness Archives

5 Ways Frugality Reduces Entitlement

When I used to drive, the roads seemed chaotic. Drivers would cut each other off, give a finger, and visually seethe with anger. Driving wasn’t my favorite activity, but I rationalized a “need” for a car. It would take me to work, school, and play. I had “real” reasons to have one.

I clutched onto this idea and would frequently feel deserving of a car, place on the road, and conscientious, obedient drivers. I’d get furious when someone stopped at a light for a moment too long or was slowly moving in a passing lane. Others were blocking my ability to drive swiftly, effortlessly, and calmly. They were the problem!

Embarrassingly, it wasn’t the only area where I felt a sense of entitlement. A few years ago, I remember complaining that making lunches was an inconvenient task. It took too long. I expressed a desire to be able to afford and not feel guilty about eating out more often.

And then there were all the times where I convinced myself that I deserved something special. My mind of would casually drift into complacency and I’d think, “Because of all my hard work I deserve a treat.” But did was I really entitled something extra, more, or sweet?

Sometimes these thoughts would border on narcissism. I was a special, important person – better than the rest. I’d expect others to conform to my norms and settle into my expectations. I was looking out for number one. I struggled to see what others were experiencing. Like a sudden smack over the head, frugality was a departure from entitlement. Over time, it helped me see my blindspots and grow. Here are five takeaways:

1. Learning to live modestly

As I pursued frugality, life became simpler and more modest. Slowly I built more savings, cooked more meals at home, and made more donations to others. I brewed coffee at home and found ways to get it free on campus. My shoes became more beat up and shirts developed frays. I learned to patch things and upcycle. I sold my car, and bought a bike.

2. Opportunities for self-reflection and growth

With every shift, I realized a different side of my personality. The whole world got a facelift – a beautiful reframe. My bike empowered me to see the city with a fresh pair of eyes. Without the normal trappings of “success” I could reflect on who I want to be as a person. In time, I realized great fulfillment in helping others.

3. Exploring long-term happiness over short-term “fixes”

By choosing this life, I consciously eschewed the easy routes for long-term happiness. Advertisements market a life of joy through possessions, beer, soda, and cars. Oh, the things you can buy to make yourself better! Finally, those words and images stopped working. I wasn’t compelled to go to the mall after seeing an ad, and I became more hostile when I’d see them.

4. Increasing patience with impatience

Before I changed my life, long lines were infuriating. There was an incompetence to everyone around me. The checkout person wasn’t going fast enough and the shopper had too much in the cart. Over time, lines became an opportunity to breathe and think briefly. Similarly, I developed patience with others’ impatience, anger, and entitlement.

5. Departing the rat race

Entitlement is a nasty, nefarious quality. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to see. Someone usually has to say it to your face (someone did for me). Frugality has enabled me to look for qualities in myself and others that aren’t about how much they can buy. Another’s worth is no longer tied to net worth.

How have you changed since you embraced frugality?
What did you learn?
How might you grow if you suddenly lived more minimally and mindfully?

Why Trying To Be Happy Makes You Sad

By Frugaling 11 Comments

Happiness of children — *Photo: Geraint Rowland/Flickr*

“Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”
–John Stuart Mill

“Hose off before you come in the house!”

My brother stood there, covered head to toe in mud, shirtless and wearing an awesome grin. For the last few hours, we had destroyed my parents’ manicured backyard. With sticks and odd tools (we really needed a shovel), we carved into the grass and dirt until we had a small, 12-foot long canal of sorts. Then, we poured unknown quantities of water down our makeshift river. It was the perfect project for an unscheduled summer day.

When I think back to this moment, it’s easy to be nostalgic. Here, my brother and I worked tirelessly on a project without meaning or reason — just childhood fun. We both smiled back and forth, and were filthy by the end of it. It was a freedom that children seem to have that adults relinquish.

But happiness was an elusive quality back then. I know that during my childhood and adolescence, I felt sad much of the time. There were various factors influencing my sadness, but I know that internally something was off, too. I was desperate to feel “normal.” I was desperate for others to like me. Really, I was desperate to feel happy. Yet, I couldn’t be more miserable.

The media message of happiness

In the worst of moods, hardest times, and deepest depressions, all I wanted was happiness. It’s frequently been the mantra coursing through me.

The world around us says we deserve to be happy. Growing up, I had the unfortunate inclination and timing to enjoy shows like FOX’s The O.C. and MTV’s Laguna Beach. They each flaunted an inconceivable wealth and privilege.

They seemed happy, even in their dramas. It was an endless party for them, and I wanted in. The mundane aspects of life didn’t exist in these shows. Abnormally long bathroom routines, cooking breakfast, writing for hours, and listening to a lecturer drone on weren’t the focus of these “teenagers’” lives. No, the excitement was in the sex, fashion, and material wealth.

These shows helped craft a warped sense of drive towards income and status. Unfortunately, each step towards those goals made me more miserable. Happiness was eluding me.

Suppression of thoughts only causes more

Stop thinking about polar bears.
Stop thinking about polar bears.
Stop thinking about polar bears.

Have you stopped thinking about polar bears?

Oftentimes, to find happiness, people attempt to suppress thoughts/feelings of sadness. For short periods, individuals are able to say, “I’m not going to let myself feel sad.” And it sort of works. We can temporarily tell ourselves not to be sad. It’s just that over time we suffer from this forced suppression and rejection of feelings.

Researchers have consistently found that thought suppression doesn’t work longer term. What happens is that people frequently endorse an ironic “rebound effect” in feelings of sadness and are less capable at suppression later on. In other words, by forcing our natural emotions down and rejecting them, we do more harm than good.

“I’m just trying to be happy”

The consequences of our culture messages and thought suppression may be grave for both your happiness and budget. Oftentimes, people try to spend their way to happiness. Popular media spoon feed us a message that we deserve to feel this way, and that it is accessible through purchases.

When we can’t buy our way to happiness because our budgets are too tight, we feel sadness and unease. When we can buy material goods that are supposed to provide us lasting happiness (at least, that’s what the commercials suggest), we often continue to feel sadness and unease.

The traditional methods of “trying” to find happiness seem stale. There’s something wretched and moldy and overgrown. We’ve let corporate messages persuade us into thinking that Lexuses will make us better people, and in turn — finally — happy. We’ve let Coca-Cola re-brand itself repeatedly — most recently taking on the Internet and cleaning it up. We’ve let alcohol and tobacco companies objectify women to sell us drug-addled euphoria.

And yet, we’re still not happy.

Going with the emotional flow

I propose we smash these corporate-defined messages of success, achievement, and happiness. They’re not working for you, are they? Do their messages of pre-scripted happiness help? Do you watch beautiful people enjoy expensive goods and feel better about yourself?

If the solution was in our media, thought suppression, and material goods, we’d be the happiest people on Earth. Unfortunately, these methods don’t make us happier and they goad us into spending more money. There must be a better way.

As someone with a psychological background and soon to become a counseling psychologist, I hesitate to “prescribe” any one solution. We all come from different backgrounds, environments, and experiences. One size does not fit all, but I do have some propositions.

1. Change the end goal

Frequently, the reasons for saving, making, and spending money are aimed at satisfaction and happiness. It sort of sounds like, “I’ll be happy when I’ve earned a million dollars.” In framing our futures in this light, we’ve locked up an emotion for a later date. Until certain levels of wealth and material worth are achieved, people with these goals and ideals will experience emptiness.

It requires a certain level of mental flexibility, but if we can change the end goal, there’s hope for a better moment-to-moment life. Society says we should always be happy, but what will you say? Change the end goal to something like mental wellness and a fuller life may follow.

2. Learn to accept all emotions

As a counselor, I understand that many people grow up hearing these messages: “Stop crying,” “Cheer up,” and “It’ll be better next time.” Each of these negates the very real feelings beyond happiness that people might be feeling. They lay the groundwork for a life that will soon be happy — if only you’d stop being “weak.”

Life is not good or bad — happy or sad. When it’s boring or sad, we tend to spend more for excitement and happiness. It’s a self-medicated response that’s learned through the mass consumption of a culture that proselytizes this value.

Life is good and bad. There are swings of emotional highs and lows, and sometimes it’s boring and dull. That’s the real normal. If we can accept and think, “I’m sad right now, and that’s okay. At some point I’ll be happy again, too,” we’ll be better able to save.

3. Question anything that purports to provide long-term happiness

Hershey’s candy bars and BMW M5s can make us feel better. Likely, most of us have felt the joy of buying a treat. There’s this immediate headrush of excitement — from yum to zoom. But however much we might want it to stick around, it fades away.

Buying stuff is a short-term solution to long-term emotions. Feeling dull or down? Take a hit and buy something. Your immediate, short-term response will be happiness.

Instead, stay with it, don’t immediately try to “fix” your feelings. No purchase will ever solidify and halt emotional change forever.

Let’s define a new normal, where we accept our own and each other’s emotions — whatever they may be. Let’s recognize that no emotion is permanent, and that buying stuff should never be the long-term fix. Let’s learn to embrace the thoughts that scare us, because they’re only that — thoughts.

8 Proven Purchases For Happiness

By Frugaling 8 Comments

Happiness = Money, right?

Research suggests that happiness and money are poorly correlated. In other words, money doesn’t tend to make people happy. Pretty crazy, right? Everything about our society seems to be predicated around the synergy of these two variables. But most of the time, happiness is correlated to other behaviors (i.e., closeness to friends, enjoyment at work, and balance in life).

In this consumer-driven society, encouraged to buy from our very own presidents and leadership, we are primed and ready to spend and spend – well beyond our budgetary restrictions. Our world tends to eschew philosophical questions about why you need to have something, in favor of taking advantage of the present moment to spend.

Happiness is often a marketing tool, used to increase sales. For instance, a commercial may feature scantily-clad women partying with beers in hand. It doesn’t take a scientist to decipher the claim: drink more beer, get more women – prettier ones, too! But lasting happiness isn’t at the end of a bottle.

You’re Doing It Wrong

In Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan Belfort wreaks havoc on financial markets, his family, and to anyone else in his way. He has a ruthless charm, narcissism, and greed. He spends and drives recklessly. Jordan is the living embodiment of a metastasized compulsion to capitalism.

What our antagonist fails to understand is that happiness, purpose, and meaning are not contained within another $100 bill (or, however many millions he makes). Who can blame him, though? When a society values money like we do, and encourages spending without regard for the future, he’s actually playing by our rules.

Moreover, he’s not alone. Many struggle to understand and say “no” to a society that propagates this need to spend and make more money. But what if money did actually make you happy? What if there was a way to make these two things more correlated?

An Action-Plan For Money And Happiness

Newer research suggests that money can make you happy, but up until now we’ve been spending it wrong. All the beer, fast cars, and yachts can’t make us happy. Instead, happiness comes from some specific action-oriented spending.

Take the trip, ditch the tchotchkes
When it comes to happiness, buying material goods rarely suffices. Whatever positive emotions are initially experienced tend to fade rapidly over time. In fact, 57% of people reported greater happiness from experiential purchases versus 34% for those purchasing material goods.
Give a little, give a lot – just give
Researchers found that personal spending – buying for yourself – did not relate to long-term happiness. On the other hand, those who spent money on others acknowledged greater happiness. When you think about all of your expenses for a month, it might help to think about how much of that is going to help others.
The tiny purchases are more important
Unlike Jordan Belfort and his bags of cash, you’ll likely be restricted by current bank account balances. When you purchase expensive, rare items, there’s a finality and adjustment that occurs – a new norm develops. If you buy smaller, more frequent items, you actually can take advantage of novelty and variability – both key health indicators.
Avoid extended warranties and overpriced insurance
Turns out that there’s quite a lot of psychological evidence to suggest that buying extended warranties may be an unnecessary “emotional protection.” Essentially, because we do not want to lose/damage our new purchase, these warranties pull out an emotional response regarding loss. Most of the time, buying or reacting to this makes you spend more than you have to and occludes happiness.
Delay gratification, consumption
Researchers suggest that “anticipation” is a key ingredient to a healthy, happy purchase. By waiting to purchase and letting that eagerness build, we may actually enjoy it more when we finally have it. Likewise, by delaying purchases, consumers may spend less – or not at all.
Clear pros and cons
Looking to buy that dream home someday? Where do you envision it? Maybe you want to buy a dream lakehouse? Researchers found that many people tend to downplay the negatives of an imagined purchase. What about the tax implications, a plumbing issue while you’re away, and/or an exceptionally mosquito-filled summer? Imagined happiness is often easier than the reality of an impending purchase. By trying to realistically imagine your purchase, while creating an objective, logical pro and con list, you may be able to avoid this pitfall.
Don’t dare compare
We’re notoriously awful comparison shoppers/buyers; at least, when we account for happiness. Dunn, Gilbert, and Wilson (2011) found that Harvard University students living in their residential system tended to downplay social ties and try to pick physical features of a building first.

…when these students later settled into their houses as sophomores and juniors, their happiness was predicted by the quality of social features but not by the quality of physical features in the houses.

The point is that even though the social features matter far more, before we choose something, we don’t always process and think about our own social needs. Interpersonal connections with others are necessary for most everyone, and they tend to bring greater happiness.
Think of others’ enjoyment, too
Online review sites and movie rankings bring swaths of people to rate their own experience with a product or experience. By utilizing these websites, you can measure your own enjoyment and future experience to theirs. If lots of people experienced happiness, odds are you will, too!

This action plan for making happiness from money is based off the research by Dunn, Gilbert, & Wilson (2011). They found that people were spending their money inappropriately, thinking they’d be happy, when there were better ways.

How do you spend your money? What do you do to find long-term happiness?

The Joy Of Reciprocity

By Frugaling 8 Comments

waitress bar flickr photo — Photo: flickr/prayitno

Saturday, I spent the night out on the town with two of my good friends. As we hopped around our little college town – from bar to bar – we soaked in this momentary distraction from the stress of graduate school. That night, like many before, we started treating for each others’ drinks. I’d buy a round, then one of my friends would. After each drink, we’d say, “thanks for treating.”

Many times, this pattern starts, and it actually makes the entire time more enjoyable for us all. There’s no pressure to treat, and no set expectation to purchase a certain number of drinks. Instead of buying our own drinks, one by one, we benefit and soak up the joy of reciprocity.

The joy of reciprocity is similar to the Starbucks drive-thru treat effect. Every now and then, you may enter the drive thru and be surprised to find your bill already paid. What’s happened is that the car ahead has treated for the drink, and hopes you’ll treat for the person behind you. In purchasing drinks for the next vehicle, it’s a gift that pays dividends for the future and immediate moment.

Research shows that giving to charities and helping others creates happiness in more ways than self-centered purchases could ever give. By engaging in these moments to treat, which also include a reciprocal component, there’s a shared happiness – the best kind of energy. But it takes a spark: someone needs to treat first.

That first person must pay it forward and treat for others, which takes a risk. The reciprocal, circle-like giving may never be returned; in fact, as I mentioned, that unknown portion creates the fun. If I treat first, my friends may forget or never return the favor, and that’s okay. If the cycle continues, that wonderful energy gets shared, creating a giving environment.

Taking a risk and treating for a round of drinks may not seem frugal. In reality, nearly every time I do this, my friends treat, too. People want to participate and enjoy this process. Many times, I’m not actually paying for more than one round, and the reciprocity continues throughout the night.

There’s an individualism and isolating effect to only paying for your own bill, and this creates a different dynamic. The alternative is not only equally frugal, it pays dividends psychologically. By the end of the night, we are more connected, energetic, and positive than we ever could’ve been by simply treating for our own drinks.

The question that remains is how you can incorporate this joy of reciprocity into your everyday life. What moments can you reach out to help, treat, and/or offer something to others? What times can you do these things, without any expectation for reciprocity – just letting it naturally occur? What holds you back from doing it more often?

Use your free-time/weekends to enjoy those you care about and make room to share. The energy and positivity that this reciprocity contains can help boost your stamina to be frugal. You need that fuel for a frugal week ahead!